Well kids, today I’m pretty stoked to share the first of a new “Jacked on the Beanstalk” blog series I’ve been dying to post for months! Yes, I’m finally introducing a new & hilarious, near & dear contributor who’ll be blogging on the regular.

It’s my big sister Sarah aka “The Lowly Vegetarian!”

Unbeknownst to many, my sister and I actually went vegetarian around the same time. She was 14 and I was eight. Neither of us have ever gone back to our carcass eating ways since then. The only difference is that she’s yet to go “FULL VEGAN” as I did five years ago. And yes, it drives me insane (hence why she will forever be “The Lowly Vegetarian.”)

The good news is that my sister’s funny as hell and sharp as a whip. We also like to make others feel uncomfortable with our claims that “I got the body” and “she got the face…”

Anyway, I don’t want to take up too much of your reading time with my random ramblings so let’s get onto my little big sis’ first blog post already! Here ’tis:

The Lowly Vegetarian – BBQ Season

Well, the warm weather is finally here and you know what that means! BBQ season is upon us.

Maybe you’re lucky and are surrounded by strictly vegetarians or vegans. But if you’re like me, you find yourself mostly in the company of carnivores who live for BBQ season.

Yes, they all head out to their back decks, armed with tongs and spatulas, thumping their chests and salivating at the idea of throwing some flesh on the fire. Us “veggies,” however, can’t really relate to this Neanderthal ritual and let’s face it, most carnivores don’t really understand the whole “not eating meat” thing.

I like a good veggie burger just as much as the next gal, but how often is it actually veggie? We’ve all been in that situation where you watch the barbecue “chef” flipping meat patties and slapping them down while the fat oozes out and the flames get higher and higher.

Then they take those same tongs and slather your innocent veggie patty with fat, greasy, animal juice. You can only sit there shell-shocked while your soul whispers: “the horror…the horror”. And it’s almost always the type of gathering where you have to keep your cool i.e. meeting the new boyfriend’s parents or the company BBQ at your boss’ house. So you just sit there and gag down a reasonable number of cringe-worthy bites all the while having your own private crying game on the inside.

The “veggie” burger was a bust so you head for that “Summer Salad” – your loyal friend.

You take a big spoonful and just as you are about to drop it on your plate, you see it – bacon. Seriously, what the hell is with those people and the frigging bacon? They put that shit in everything! Let’s take a beautiful bowl of Mother Nature’s bounty and taint it with dead gristle. Mmmm…thank you for taking the one thing that vegetarians and vegans used to be able to count on and ruin it.

As you stare at this (both in disbelief and anger), you ask, “is there meat in this?” The carnivore responds: “just bacon”. And then you hear the four most rage-inducing words a vegetarian/vegan can hear: “just pick it out.”

What? Pick it out? Do they even understand how this works? I don’t want my beloved vegetables coated with bacon grease. They seem to be under the impression that meat grease does not count as meat. Oh, and by the way, I LIKE the taste of vegetables. I don’t need to cover them up with bacon flavour. If they can’t handle a salad without meat, here’s an idea: PUT IT ON THE SIDE! That way we “veggies” can have our damn vegetables and you can still ruin yours with your precious bacon.

Over the past 24 years, I have figured out some tricks that I will share. First off, I always try to bring something. I don’t care what it is, but at least I know that when all else fails, I can go to town on that shit. And sometimes, if it’s a group that I know I don’t have a hope in hell of coming outta there as much of a vegetarian as I went in, I just eat before I go and then snack on the little things I can. And finally, if there’s a dog, make him your best friend (which you probably already did being the animal lover that you are). If the dog didn’t love you before, he sure does now with all the scraps you’re unloading on him.

Now, don’t get me wrong, vegetarians and vegans can still enjoy BBQs. And thankfully, we sometimes have family and friends who understand the importance of separate tongs, plates and meatless salad.

For the rest of those crazy carnivores, maybe they have a birthday coming up. An extra set of barbecue tools can make a lovely gift!

– Sarah Shorkey (Sam’s little big sis) aka “The Lowly Vegetarian”