CHEERS TO BLEEDING HEARTS (AND CROTCHES!)

Allow me to begin this post by stating that I’m a pretty solid vegan. I do my best to make conscious decisions that do not contribute to the exploitation, death and suffering of our animal friends. But I sheepishly admit (no pun intended) that despite going vegetarian at eight years old and “full vegan” six years ago, there is one area I still turn an ignorant, blind eye to.

And that, my friends, is my period.

In my defense, I didn’t even know for the longest time that tampons and maxi pads weren’t vegan-friendly. And perhaps part of me just didn’t want to investigate because I knew deep down (pun intended) that my period is a pretty big deal. And well, I couldn’t exactly do like the pioneers did and bleed into my clothes or stuff bits of parchment or hemp rope up my love tunnel.

Sure, I’d seen menstrual cups sitting atop the shelves at Whole Foods but I’d always think “there’s no way anyone uses these.” Then last year, I watched my home girl Emily’s YouTube video “Are Tampons Vegan?” and it was a real eye-opener.

Not only did I learn that tampons are bleached cancer tubes laced with toxins and potentially FATAL. But tampons (and pads) also expose us to dioxins (a byproduct from the bleaching process) that cause anything and everything from reproductive and developmental issues to immune system damage, hormonal imbalances and are the slowest degrading paper product of all. And that’s if they even end up in landfills. Sadly, many tampons get flushed down the toilet, leaching all those nasty toxins into the ocean for our marine life friends to deal with (and die from.)

And if this info isn’t scary and depressing enough, add to it the fact that tampons and their toxins are very much tested, injected and vaginally inserted into rabbits and baboons among many other animal species.

Soon after watching Emily’s video, I was determined to no longer participate and start riding the crimson wave using the best possible natural period products that would not interfere with my meatless meathead life or humiliate me when squatting and lunging whilst wearing skin-tight, spandex pants.

I admit, I was scared. I had read this hilarious and horrendous review of the “Diva Cup” and was terrified to try the “menstrual cup” and have a similar experience.

Nevertheless, I embraced the opportunity and readied myself for Aunt Flo’s next visit by accumulating all of the best reccommended products (as per my lovely facebook fans’ suggestions) and prepared for the ex-period-ment to commence.

On hand (and soon-to-be crotch) were the following vegan hippie period products:

The “Lunette” menstrual cup aka “my vagina’s new best friend.”

A new best friend?! How exciting! My vagina loves making new friends. I’m just not sure how she feels about one that’s made of silicone, has to be bended, folded and twisted up inside of her then fished out with bloody fingers and “emptied” into the toilet and washed off in public places. But according to the website, “Lunette will love me for years” and that’s more than I can say for my vagina’s other friends. So let’s do this! 😉

The F-Wrap cloth menstrual pads

I was especially excited to discover these eco-friendly, washable and reusable cloth pads because Karen Stoyles, the owner (and maker) of “F Wrap” products lives in my very own city: Ottawa, Ontario! Bad news for my American readers though ’cause unfortunately the FDA does not allow her to ship ’em to the States. 🙁

You ‘Mericans can, however, purchase a pair of my final selected hippie period product aka:

THINX Period Underwear

Yes, period-proof underwear that protect against leaks, odour, bacteria and are actually surprisingly sexy-looking!

Now then, let the vegan hippie ex-period-ment begin!

Day 1 – Aww crap, I just got my period and I’m out in the bush having dinner at my parents’ place. Without any of my new products on hand, I briefly ponder grabbing a tampon out of my purse, but decide to remedy the crime scene with a giant wad of toilet paper instead. And sleep with it in too…

Day 2 – I wake up and spend 10 minutes picking off the bits of TP stuck to my vadge then meditate. In my morning meditation, I proclaim to practice patience and feel excitement for this month’s “menses” as a full-blown vegan hippie and decide that I will never refer to it as “menses” ever again. I then pat myself on the back for meditating because that alone brings my vegan hippie status up to a 7.

After all instructions have been read, I stupidly cut off Lunette’s tip as one of my followers had suggested. I really wish I would’ve actually tested Lunette out for myself before prematurely snipping the tip, but I guess I was just too damn excited (and sick of having toilet paper stuck to my “hot spot.”) As soon as I inserted her (with total ease might I add) I did experience a mild panic attack thinking “okay she’s up there but how am I going to get her out?!”

There wasn’t a string to pull on, and snipping the tip left me with not much to grab onto. Damn it, Shorkey! You have failed already! Guess we’ll just have to hope for the best and worry about this when it’s time to “dump” the cup. Off to the gym I go! And as I put my headphones in, I pray: “please Lunette, please do not fail me on the Stairmaster.”

I wore black pants just in case…

No leakage, no discomfort. Sweet.

After the gym, I came home for a shower and realized this was a perfect opportunity to remove, assess and clean off Lunette. I admit that it was a little difficult to find and grab ahold of what remained of the tip. And I definitely considered cutting my nails shorter for the remainder of this ex-period-ment. But thankfully I managed to fish her out without any issues.

It was, however, kinda weird to see Lunette now chillin’ with Aunt Flo for the first time. But it was also kinda cool in that I suddenly felt more connected to my period than ever before.

“Lunette is helping me to appreciate my power as a woman and the wondrous miracle that is the human body.” This is deep shit, bro. Vegan Hippie Level 9 fo’ sho’!

Having a shower together is definitely a good time for me and Lunette. And logistically-speaking, a great time for us to ditch Aunt Flo down the toilet. I then give Lunette a nice, little bath under the warm water and then back up into her “safe place” she goes. 🙂

Day 3 – I can’t believe I didn’t jump on this silicone peach-plug train years ago! Seriously, huge props to my fellow female veegs for getting me onboard and recommending this particular brand of menstrual cup. I LOVE LUNETTE! Wore it all night then rinsed her off in the shower this morning. She’s currently back on the inside and I’m just going about my day feeling like the ultimate no-mess, no-fuss vegan hippie.

I really need to stop talking about it with the guys I’m dating though. Apparently not everyone is as excited to hear about my period as I am. I even wore it tonight whilst teaching my high-impact cardio class and came really close to sharing with everyone there. But I figured talking about my bloody vagina was perhaps something I should keep out of the workplace… for now anyway.

I’m on such a high this menstrual cycle that I was excited to test out the “F Wrap” next. I love that each cloth pad is handmade and every fabric so unique and cute. I almost feel bad spilling “Cousin Red” all over this adorable pattern of bubbly hearts. But alas, I’m ready to ride this cotton pony and HELL YES I’ll take soft flannel pressed up against my nether regions over sticky, unbreathable, bleached synthetic maxi pads ANY DAY! I’m loving the little snap buttons on the wings too. Will report back in the morning on how their “waterproof liner + absorbent bamboo layer” holds up overnight.

Day 4 – I wake up and as I’m wandering around the apartment, doing my usual morning routine, I can’t help but note that I’m feeling rather “damp” downstairs. It’s not the freshest, most sanitary feeling in the world so for the first time since starting my vegan hippie ex-period-ment, I’m feeling slightly discouraged. I then realize that I’m actually a moron and put the cloth pad on BACKWARDS!

Ugh. Not only did I foolishly snip the tip off of Lunette before actually trying it, I also made the mistake of exposing the cute, heart-patterned side of the “F Wrap” to my bloody crotch rather than the plain, fleece side which of course, contained the waterproof liner and absorbent bamboo layer…

Well, you know what they say about us meatheads… we aren’t always the sharpest tools in the shed. Thankfully, I was smart enough to test out the F-Wrap in the privacy of my own home. And let it be known that once I did wear it correctly, there was no dampness, discomfort, odors and they’re so much more breathable than regular pads.

I’m now about to go train legs at the gym. And with my homegirl Lunette comfortably in tow, I’ve decided to throw on my new THINX “leak-resistant, moisture-wicking, anti-microbial, period-absorbing” thong for panty liner support.

Yes, I’m in love with them too! What an awesome idea for not only period protection but for sweaty gym sesh protection!

After completing an intense leg workout AND 20 minutes on the stairmaster, I swear these magical undies smell as fresh as a mountain stream and make my butt looks hot as frawk!

Me THINX I now need to invest in many, many more pairs. Me also THINX there are many, many males at my gym who could also greatly benefit from wearing these stink-absorbent wonder-unders (or at least need to wash their gym shorts more often.)

Day 5 – I would normally spend this day wearing a light panty liner but alas, my THINX thong is dirty and I refuse to cheat on the last day of this ex-period-ment with the toxin-laced, animal tested drugstore variety.

I tried wearing one of my “F Wrap” cloth pads but only had ones suitable for a “heavy flow” and were therefore too thick for the gym pants I’m rocking and make me look like I have a giant “deer hoof” between my legs. So to finish my “shark week” exactly as it started, I’m placing a piece of folded TP up there and calling it a “wrap.” (My puns are so on point this post!)

Conclusion: All in all, I really truly LOVED each and every one of these natural period products but I have to admit that one downside to Lunette is that sometimes if I didn’t full-on remove the cup from my love tunnel each and every time after urination, the feeling of needing to pee just wouldn’t go away. And me THINX that’s mostly due to the fact that Lunette fills up with pee when I pee. So be sure to empty her (along with your bladder) at every “pit stop” in order to avoid this feeling.

The washing part (even in public bathrooms) was surprisingly fine and both Lunette and the F-wrap even come with their very own “bags” to hold them in. I am definitely converted and will be using all of these products for the remainder of my reproductive years.

My final recommendations are as follows:

Buying a menstrual cup is well worth the money and not really weird or gross once you get used to it. It’s comfortable (minus the incessant urge to pee if you do not remove and empty it every time you hit the john. It’s also durable, lasts 5 – 10 years apparently and easy to use. And I’m not kidding when I say that it really does connect you that much more to your own body and its’ intricate workings.

I do think it’s wise to invest in reuseable, cloth pads especially for night time or when you’re just chilling at home. They work well for day time too but my suggestion is to wear the thicker ones with loose pants or a skirt to avoid accusations of having a “FUPA.” Or better yet, purchase a mixed bag of cloth pads to accommodate all flows (which Karen does offer.)

And finally, if like me, you’re typically a “commando” fit girl who doesn’t let Aunt Flo keep you outta the gym, I highly recommend that you keep a few THINX thongs in your underwear drawer for those heavier active days when Lunette just isn’t enough or ultra light days when you’d normally resort to a panty liner. In fact, I have since ordered more THINX undies (despite the expensive shipping & duties) because I really love them oh-so-much. 🙂

I hope this vegan hippie ex-period-ment was helpful for you and I’d love to hear your own feedback or suggestions in the comments below on how you ride the crimson wave au natural.

And if you do want to buy your own Lunette cup, please use this link so they know that my hippie period review helped you to find ’em. 🙂

Until next time, vegan fit crew!

-Sam Shorkey, Jacked on the Beanstalk