Well it’s almost Valentine’s Day and I can honestly say that this has been my best competition prep yet! I’ve been KILLING IT in the off-season and I’m proud to report that my ass has grown to monstrous, muscular proportions.

Yes, bikini division (as we know) is ALL about the ass. And yes, I quite enjoy having a rock-hard walnut crusher I can rest my bath towel on each morning and then stare into the bathroom mirror at, excitedly thinking “look at that shelf!” Don’t worry though guys, I will still NEVER post a bathroom underwear selfie on instagram 😉

ANYWAY, anyone who actually likes doing squats is insane, right? Not only do I have to blast the heaviest, most hardcore death metal I can find on “leg day,” but I also have to plan what pants I’m going to wear because I know that once I start my weird and dirty-looking squat routine, my ass will basically be on display for every dude in the gym.

I don’t know what it’s like for other bikini competitors but my lower body workouts look REAL DIRTY sometimes. I’m talkin’ ass quivering, hip thrusting and grunting/panting like a dog in heat.

So in celebration of Valentine’s Day, what’s more fun than sharing my top five list of most effective yet incredibly dirty-looking exercises?

Here they are, you sexy beasts!

1) Romanian Straight Leg Deadlifts

Why they’re dirty:

First off, you basically HAVE to perform these in the dude-infested dumbbell/barbell area because you’re lifting heavy and you don’t really want to be dragging heavy weights across the gym now do you? So you snuggle up between two guys on their benches, straighten your legs and slowly bend down as far as humanly possible, breathing in nice and deep. Your ass is basically at eye level with these dudes now and as you lift that barbell, your ass is up and out, flexed as tight as possible. If your pants/shorts are the least bit thin or see-through and you ARE lifting heavy as you should be, you can bet your ass (no pun intended) that every guy in the dumbbell area is harsh creeping on your every tightening and quivering cheek moment.

Why they’re a great workout:

Deadlifts are a classic firm booty move because they build stabilization in the body, teaching your body how to incorporate balance whilst keeping good form. They’re great for hamstrings (stretching and contraction) and amazing for increasing lower back strength too!

2) Adductor/Abductor

Why they’re dirty:

Oh don’t mind me. I’m just sitting down with my legs spread as far apart as possible. Good thing I’m not wearing loose-fitting shorts today. I’ll try not to pant and moan too loudly as I pulsate my widespread, shaking thighs from side to side. Oh crap– I just made eye contact with the creepy guy in the corner. And now, he’s staring at my crotch…

Why they’re a great workout:

Funny I don’t think I ever see dudes on these machines. Some people say they don’t actually do much but I personally think the adductor/abductor machines are great for strengthening the inner and outer thigh muscles. These machines are especially good at isolating the inner and outer thigh muscles (far better than squats and lunges actually.)

You can also go backwards on the adductor for an even dirtier-looking variation that REALLY targets the glutes!

3) Reverse Hack Squats

Why they’re dirty:

As if squats aren’t dirty-looking enough as is, we’ve now invented a variation that when performed, will literally distract every heterosexual man within a 50 foot radius from their own workout. In fact, I’ve had several guys report this to me. Instead of just squatting as per usual, I’m now going to turn around on this machine so you have FULL view of my ass, spread my legs and then stick my booty out as far as I can, then down and up. And as I come up from the squat, I’m also going to thrust my hips inward. And I’m going to do this 15 times and then another 15 times. And now would be a good time to go get that cold drink of water, boys!

Why they’re a great workout:

We all know that squats are great for activating the entire lower body and core. They’re also great for improving your hip flexors. Use the hack squat in a reversed position really works the hamstrings, quads and glutes. The further down your feet are on the platform, the more it targets your hams and glutes (trouble areas for many of us.)

4) Wide Leg, Slow Deep Squats

Why they’re dirty:

I had to include another squat variation in here because I always feel like a stripper when I’m doing these. Instead of just standard squatting, I’m going to spread my legs real wide and move up and down really, REALLY slow. I usually switch my iPod music from death metal to “Pony” by Ginuwine for these just for shits and giggles. I know how effective this move is for my glutes but I can’t help but wonder how many guys are thinking I’m doing it purely for attention or as some kind of meathead mating call.

Why they’re a great workout:

This type of squat really isolates the glutes. And going slowly increases the burn and calorie expenditure which in turn, fatigues the muscles that much faster.

5) Hip Bridges

Why they’re dirty:

Okay first off, I HATE doing these. Why? Because I’m lying on the floor or against a bench, girating! If you’re a strapping young lad, you might as well just hop on top of me and let’s make some yoga mat magic, baby! Yeah… no. Super awkward. I really try to avoid doing these like the plague.

Why they’re a great workout:

As much as I loathe them, hip bridges are such a great explosive movement that activates all of the muscle fibers around your core. These are a really good stretch for hip flexors too. An excellent glute and hamstring exercise all-round especially for those who have bad knees and can’t do squats or lunges.

And that’s it! Whew, are you as hot and bothered as I am? Happy Valentine’s Day!